13. On values

Building a 'pillar of self' while on the beach in Mexico

Despite all the rest I wrote about last week, January has been a busy month. We just got back from Puerto Vallarta, Mexico where we celebrated a family wedding. Back in July I called my cousin to let her know we wouldn’t be able to join them on an upcoming camping trip as I was, in fact, in the middle of a mental health breakdown. Not only did she understand and support me completely, but she also then surprised me by asking if I would officiate her wedding. Me?? Who can’t stop crying uncontrollably? Despite my very strong self-doubts I of course said yes, I was honored and tried to believe in a world where I would have my shit together enough in January to be able to complete such a momentous task.  

But time is funny like that and as the weeks and months slipped by I felt better and better and by the time I sat down in December to write the ceremony script I was giddy with excitement. I had been writing consistently for this newsletter and despite all the positive feedback I got from friends and family, it still felt like something I was doing for myself. Here, instead, was an opportunity to write for others. To take this thing that had become a lifeline for me and share it with someone I loved, as an act of service. It was so much fun. When I sent it to my cousin for review, I asked for feedback, “Be honest!” I said, “This is your wedding, so I want you to love it. I can take it.” I was braced for anything but instead she responded, “I’m literally crying with full on tears streaming down my face. Absolutely nothing needs to be changed, it’s perfect.” The way my heart swelled in this moment! This doing for others, it’s powerful stuff.  

A few weeks later, I married them on the beach, with the groom’s sister at my side translating into Spanish for his Colombian family. Everyone kept asking me if I was nervous, but not a single part of me felt nervous. Instead, I was overjoyed. Nothing has made me happier than sharing the words I wrote about the people I love, with more people I love, in a genuine heartfelt celebration of love. Even now I’m having trouble explaining the transcendence of this experience. I have always been obsessed with weddings (oddly since I was a small child, I bought a wedding dress at a thrift store when I was in middle school and would sometimes do homework while wearing it, and my first job, my dream job right out of college was working for a bridal company), I cry at 100% of weddings I attend (and I’m 34 so there have been a lot) and while yes I very much enjoyed my own wedding in 2021, being able to contribute in this way was such a unique and special experience. I felt very much in my own body, rooted in the center of my being, if that makes any sort of sense. I haven’t felt that way in a while but let me tell you, it is a supremely nice feeling.  

On the beach, just before the ceremony started

Part of me feels like it has to be tied back to this values thing. Or as my friend Kelly the death doula calls it, your “pillar.” The pillar is essentially a personal belief system, made up of values, that forms your sturdiest sense of self. A self that you build, internally and intrinsically, without all the noise of external pressures. It is you at your very core. So that when anything tries to shake you, all you have to do is remain deeply rooted in your pillar, and you are virtually unswayable. When you are acting outside of your values, when you are in misalignment with this pillar of self, that’s what leads to “moral distress” (i.e. what happened to me last year, scary stuff). 

Remember the Personal Year convo? My personal year is 4 which is all about building foundations. I immediately took this to mean home and the house we purchased last year, but I also think it’s about building this foundation of self. Values was the first thing I tackled with my life coach when we first started working together, “What are your values?” she asked in our first session, and my mind promptly and embarrassingly drew a complete blank. My homework assignment was to write a list (cue me Googling “examples of values” like a noob) and over time I’ve honed that list down to five (there doesn’t have to be a specific number but five felt right to me). Sharing them here feels a little scary/personal, but perhaps it’s also a good opportunity for accountability.  

My 5 Core Values:  

Authenticity  
Creativity  
Vulnerability  
Community  
Service

I also found this article on values at work to be incredibly helpful (something I wish I had read a year ago!) because it can be a lot easier to center values in different parts of our lives vs. others. For me, similar to the discussion on boundaries, centering values at work was 10x harder than centering them in my personal relationships and daily interactions. As I think about what I want the next phase of my work life to look like (desperately trying to avoid the word “career” here which still feels like a trigger), I know that these values have to be firmly present.  

The values are also helpful in the sense of guiding decisions and following my intuition. It's asking, “How does this align with my values?” alongside “How does this feel in my body?”. It feels like my intuition, once so strong and powerful, has gotten quieter over the past couple of years. Even writing that sentence makes me sad. I’ve been so shaken with self-doubt that I’ve started to question my own intuition. So this foundation, this building of self, is (hopefully) a way back to it.  

I don’t know if any of this makes any sense, it’s a little fuzzy in my brain still, but like with all things, writing about it helps. But what I do know is that there are moments when it feels like I am doing it right. Like standing on the beach, the ocean at my back and my family in front of me, sharing my writing in a joyful celebration of love. All I can do is keep trying and seeking more of those moments, and if I keep building up enough of them, maybe that will tell me where to go next.  

Some other things I loved this month:

• I finally watched Beef on Netflix and am obsessed with it. I was gasping my way through the entire ending. So glad that Ali Wong and Steven Yeun are sweeping the awards shows because it really is that good and I appreciate the dialogue around mental health, especially set in a conservative Asian community.

• On a friends’s recommendation I just finished reading Carrie Soto is Back. It’s written by Taylor Jenkins Reid who wrote favorites like Daisy Jones and the Six, The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo and Malibu Rising. I had initially written it off since I don’t know anything about tennis (the main character is a tennis star), but the pacing is so intense I finished it in 48 hours. Who doesn’t love a good comeback story??

• I saw Poor Things in theaters with my mom yesterday. (Note, my mom and I have the same taste in movies but I wouldn’t necessarily recommend you watch it with parents as there is a LOT of sex.) Variety described it as “a feminist fantasy set in a steampunk world of mutants and male chauvinist pigs” which feels like a fairly apt description but the less you know going into it, the better. Emma Stone is fantastic and I’ve never disliked Mark Ruffalo more (or ever, actually).

• I listened to my 2024 astrology reading by Nadine Jane and it was unbelievably accurate and powerful. The readings are based on your rising sign (mine is Scorpio) and done in three parts. Halfway through the first part I was sobbing, it felt like she was describing my exact experience. The readings are only $23 and worth every penny! I took pages of notes and know I will be revisiting it again and again. This Pluto entering Aquarius transit is no joke and personally I’m very excited for what it means for the next 20 years.

Until next time, thank you for being here.