7. On closure

Does it actually exist and is it necessary?

Sometimes I sit down and I know exactly what I’m going to write about. Other weeks I’m not sure... I kind of just start writing and see what comes out. This feels like the second kind of week.  

There’s been a lot of movement this week, which is good and scary all at the same time. Apparently, Saturn is no longer in retrograde so there’s a lot of forward momentum brewing in the universe (I can physically HEAR my husband rolling his eyes at that statement. But that’s what I get for marrying a Virgo, amirite?). For someone like me who has felt stagnant for months and months it feels a little like the tides are being unleashed. I've spent much of the this time cocooned, reconnecting with myself, identifying my values and trying to answer the age-old question of ‘what would make me happy in this life?’. Along the way I put a few hopes and dreams out into the universe and now all of the sudden a lot of those little seedlings are starting to bear fruit, all at the same time. I’ve joked before that I’m a good manifester, but ah! It’s a little overwhelming.  

I woke up this morning Anxious with a capital A. Sometimes when I go to bed anxious, I’ll wake up and it will be gone, chased away by a good night’s sleep. Other times it will be there cheekily waiting like, “Hi, remember me? Still here ;)”. I had planned to wake up and finish writing this newsletter in bed, but did a quick check-in with myself, and nope that wasn’t going to work. I needed to get up and get outside. (These little check-ins have been one of the most useful things I’ve learned. It’s the act of getting really quiet and asking myself, ‘What would make me feel better right now?’ and then listening to that small intuitive voice inside that tells you exactly what you need.) So I walked to the beach, took off my shoes, and waded out into the waves. I stayed there for awhile, watching the pelicans dive in and out of the water. The sun was warm and the water was cold and it felt good to just stand there and lift my arms up to the sky. Feeling grateful to live in this beautiful place and to be in a position where I can give my body what it needs to feel better.  

With all this forward momentum one thing I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is the concept of closure. My husband had a work conference in San Francisco this past weekend and since I have a lot of free time on my hands I tagged along. I decided this would be the optimal time to reconnect with some of my old coworkers (my office was in SF), grab dinner and catch up. It had been about 3.5 months since I’d seen my old team, and I missed them. That part of leaving a job is wild, there’s all these people that you spend every.single.day. with, like more time than I spend with my husband, and then all of the sudden when you leave the job poof, they’re gone. Sure, you stay in touch and some of them move into the friendship sphere where you continually promise one another “Let’s catch up soon!! xx" but can never actually find a time that works for both of you and instead play text tag until you’re old and grey. But you go from spending hours and hours with these people, recounting every mundane detail of your weekend, your pet, your upcoming vacation etc., to not seeing their faces for months or potentially ever again. I’ve been lucky not to suffer a lot of breakups but breaking up with coworkers, especially ones you care about, is tough. (Maybe you’re not like this with your coworkers but I felt incredibly lucky to work with kind smart cool people, it was hands down the best part of the job).  

So I was excited to see my old team, to spend time with them. But I also knew it would be hard. I talked about it with my therapist, and insisted I was “excited to get some closure,” but I could feel the anxiety bubbling. Especially when we were getting ready to leave for the airport and I was the one hurrying us along (normally my husband makes us leave absurdly early whereas I’m the kind of casual traveler who likes to get there justtttt as they’re boarding your group). This role reversal should have been an early indicator of my mental state, but it wasn’t until we were driving over the Bay Bridge that the anxiety really ramped up. Crossing the bridge and seeing my old office building come into view, the same way I had on countless work trips over the past 2 years, was the definition of a trigger. My whole body tensed up and I tried to laugh it off, but my hands were shaking. It felt like returning to the scene of the crime in some way, and I had the strong sensation that I was an entirely different person than the girl who had walked out of that building for the last time in July.  

I was, of course, the first one to arrive at the restaurant for dinner. I ordered a glass of white wine and waited at the bar, nerves buzzing. They texted to apologize, a meeting had run over (naturally), and they would be a few minutes late. But then they were there, in the flesh, and we were hugging and crying (happy tears? sad tears? probably both) and I was overjoyed to see them, like a heart-swelling kind of joy. Dinner was wonderful, we laughed and gossiped over garlic noodles and cocktails until the restaurant kicked us out. We tried to stay away from work talk, focusing instead on what was going on in our personal lives, but I could tell from their body language, the sideways glances and heavy sighs whenever work did come up that the past few months had not been easy for them, and the guilt that I’ve been working so hard to process weighed heavily on me.  

I know intellectually that there is no reason to feel guilty, I made a choice that was right for me (was, in fact, absolutely necessary) and despite what that inner critic voice likes to tell me, I know I didn’t abandon them. But it's hard not to feel that way. There was a time when I could take action, when I could step in and shield them or “fix” things, but I don’t have that power anymore, and that has been a tough adjustment. I’ve had to continually remind myself that they wouldn’t want me to feel badly, that I can still support them in other ways, as a friend and a mentor. But there’s a difference between knowing something to be true and really believing it in your bones.  

(And because I know you all are reading this, you’re perfect, our dinner was perfect, I’m beyond grateful to have you in my life in any way/shape/form and I’m always here for you.)

We finished dinner and my Uber arrived within a minute, curtailing any painful drawn-out goodbyes which was probably for the best. When the door closed, I felt happy and sad all at once. My cup was full from seeing them again but I also felt emotionally drained. Part of that was the anxiety comedown, like the anticipation that had calcified in my chest was now gently dissolving and diffusing through my veins. I had seen them, I hadn’t collapsed into a puddle of tears, and now it was over.  

So, do I have closure? I’m not sure. Closure implies some sort of satisfying ending that tells you “Okay, you’re done with that now, you can walk away.” Do I want closure? I’m not sure. I don’t want to walk away from these relationships. They’ve been reframed a bit, sure, but I still want them in my life. And, more philosophically, does closure actually exist? All of our experiences and relationships whether positive or negative imprint on our being, they shape us, so can we ever really walk away from them free and clear? Can we truly move on? Or are they so deeply embedded in us that they fuse into the fiber of our being, the tapestry of our lives, in a way that is inextricable? People also say you need closure in order to make space for other things in your life. Is that true, is life a finite container, only capable of holding a fixed amount so that in order to add new experiences or relationships you first have to rid yourself of those that no longer serve you? (Essentially is it like my closet when I know I shouldn’t buy any more clothes but instead of packing things up for Goodwill I just buy new hangers and convince myself that I’ve solved the problem??). I clearly don’t have answers to any of this, but I did walk away feeling a little bit lighter and happy just to have spent time in the comfort of their presence. 

I’ve also been thinking perhaps it’s not the relationships with my team I’m seeking closure from, but rather my old identity. The end of this “phase” or chapter of life, so to speak. I’m someone who loves astrology, numerology and any sort of personality test, and I’ve done most of them. (For anyone curious I am a Leo Sun/Aquarius Moon/Scorpio Rising, an ENTJ, an Enneagram 3 with a 2 wing, a Blue, an I and my Life Path number is a 6, and if that was complete gibberish to you, don’t worry about it). A friend recently introduced me to the concept of Personal Years which is another facet of numerology that tells you which cycle of life you’re in. Each year has a theme, and the cycles are often defined by major life events like the start/end of a relationship, getting married, changing career paths, buying a house etc. I’m currently in Year 4 and when reading about it and reflecting on my own life this feels scary accurate. I won’t go into too much detail here but if it’s something that you’re interested in definitely read up on your Personal Year number.  

A couple other things to close out this week: 

I shared this on my Stories but I highly recommend checking out Mark Duplass’ Instagram. He’s recently been sharing about his own mental health journey and this Live was so beautifully vulnerable. It was also incredibly helpful to hear someone say out loud so many of the things I’ve been thinking in my own head! If you’ve struggled with anxiety or depression or are just curious to witness a moment of authenticity on the Internet then give it a watch  (it’s long but worth it):   

markduplass

A post shared by @markduplass

Also if you reached out to me last week to share your personal experience with anti-depressants thank you, thank you, thank you. I know it’s not easy and I’m deeply appreciative. There’s a lot of scary shit on the internet and it’s been invaluable to hear from friends and family about their experience, and to recognize how many people have either tried medication or are currently medicated (spoiler alert: a lot!). 

I just finished reading The Marriage Portrait, has anyone else read this book?? It was slow to get into for me but then it really ramped up and I was racing to finish as our plane landed back in Long Beach. If you’ve read it please reach out, I’m dying to discuss it with someone! Up next, I’m waiting for my copy of Iron Flame the sequel to the much discussed Fourth Wing to arrive in the mail. Fourth Wing is one of the best fantasy books I’ve read in a long time and was a hot topic of conversation at a friend’s recent dinner party.  

The house is coming along! We picked paint colors this week (a combination of Ivory Tusk, Mountain Peak White and Simply White) and I’ll hopefully be sharing photos soon, thank you so much for all the kind words! Homeownership is... a lot, but one of the key themes of Personal Year 4 is foundations and building stability. After living in 8 different apartments over the past 12 years I am relieved to finally be putting down roots here in Long Beach, a city that we’ve fallen in love with. I know that it will bring some much-needed permanence during this wobbly season of life. And then one day when those roots are feeling a bit stronger, a place to grow from.  

Until next time, thank you for being here.