Hi! Welcome to Sundays in high school. I’m so glad you’re here. One year ago I unexpectedly quit my 12 year career in corporate retail after suffering from major burnout and have been fumbling my way through a millennial existential crisis ever since. If you’re in the messy middle of a life transition (aren’t we all?), or a vulnerability junkie like me, then this newsletter is for you.
There’s something sticky about writing about your life as it’s happening. This would be so much cleaner, neater, tidier if I could write about it in 3 months from now, 6 months from now, when I had more answers, more clarity. But then again, it wouldn’t be nearly as interesting.
Once again, I am coming to you from the messy middle. It’s a place I’m pretty familiar with by now, one could even say it’s become my home base. I’ve set up shop, decorated with a few charming throw pillows and my affirmation Post-its. It's even starting to feel a little comfortable here, a little cozy (or maybe that’s just the Fall chill in the air).
You’ve heard the expression “when it rains it pours?” What am I thinking, of course you have. Well, after exactly one year of being unemployed, one long year of self-doubt and soul-searching and writing this newsletter and asking “what do I want to do with my life?”, I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Now unfortunately, what that light revealed is not one straight path forward (because that would almost be too easy, wouldn’t it?), but a fork. Ah yes, the fork.
(For the Girls fans you’ll remember this as Adam’s favorite utensil, from the diner scene on the way to pick Jessa up from rehab. Shoshanna is, of course, appalled by his choice, “Why would you want cold metal prongs stabbing you in your tongue when food could be delivered on a cool, soft pillowy cloud?” The girls who get it, get it.)
Forks are tricky. They denote options. And options can be confusing. If I’m being frustratingly vague here, I get it. Like I said, it’s sticky.
Suffice to say, after a year of nothing (I shouldn’t overgeneralize like that, this year was actually quite full, as illustrated by newsletters 1-41), I now have two very viable paths forward. Two very different paths. They each have their pros and cons, I won’t go into detail, but the overarching message here is that I have a choice to make.
Of course, I’m feeling quite a bit of anxiety about this.
As I described to my life coach earlier today there’s a phenomenon in our culture whereby you choose a major and a career path at the ripe young age of 18-21. To think that you could trust anyone in this age group with such a major life decision is nearly unfathomable. At that age I was mostly hungover (albeit, a very high-achieving hungover).
But when you’re that young the world is your oyster. You can move anywhere, take any job, be anything. You’re not afraid of failure yet, instead you’re full of unearned confidence and a zest for life! At 21 I graduated from college and moved across the country solo to pursue my dream job. I broke up with my boyfriend because who wants to do long-distance when you’re that young and surely there would be more fish in the sea! (spoiler alert: we only stayed broken up for two weeks and are now married). You’re free, untethered, bursting with possibility.
When you’re 35 it’s a pretty different story. You’ve seen some things. Perhaps you’re like me, a bit jaded, a bit broken. Maybe you wake up every morning thinking, ‘How did this become my life?’ or ‘Is this really what I want to be doing?’ Many of us sort of just stumbled into a career and then because it was easy or the money was good or we kept getting promoted or we liked the people... we stuck with it. It’s easier to stay on the moving train than it is to get off.
Enter: the midlife crisis.
What would happen if you asked 35-year-olds across the country, “If you could choose any career path right now, what would you choose?” How many would choose the same job and how many would choose something completely different? And for those that choose the same job, do you choose it because it feels safe? Known? (Hey, no judgement).
The decision of what to do with your life feels so much weightier at 35. You're no longer free and untethered. Now it’s possible you have a partner, a mortgage, a kid or two. Your decisions impact not just you but your household. There are financial considerations and the fact that you value your time differently. Perhaps it becomes less about purpose and passion and more about a lifestyle. What role do you want work to play in your life? How do you want your days to look? What allows you to live most in line with your values?
Part of me envies the 21-year-olds who breeze through these decisions, bolstered by a healthy dose of self-interest, while I struggle under the weight of everything that I've accumulated in life thus far. They don’t know how good they’ve got it.
Then of course there are the people who successfully pivot, who have 2nd and 3rd and 4th careers. It is possible! And as my coach gently reminded me, this next decision doesn’t have to be the final decision. It is just a decision, one of many.
But ah, the fork. The fork feels so ominous.
You might ask yourself in this situation WWRFD? (What would Robert Frost do?) As any good English major knows, he'd tell us to take the road less traveled. But I don’t think RF got it right. Not because I, too, don’t see the sexy lure of the road less traveled but because at the top of the poem he says “And sorry I could not travel both.”
My question to you, Robert, is why not?? Why couldn’t you take both? Could you travel down one for a bit, decide it’s too overgrown and then double back and take the other? Or maybe you find a shortcut in those woods, maybe you can hop from one road to the next, maybe MAYBE the roads only split up for a short while but then rejoin and actually end up at the same place?! (Did anyone else’s head explode or just mine?).
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
He also doesn’t say if the road less traveled is the right choice. Just that it makes “all the difference.” Good difference or bad difference Robert?? I’m reminded once again that most poetry is frustratingly (and intentionally) vague.
Or is the point of life instead to just wander around in the woods, admiring the trees and the birds and smelling the crisp pine scent, rather than trying to push through and arrive at some unforeseen destination? Truthfully, that doesn’t sound so bad.
has a different take on forks. She writes beautifully in Dear Sugar about this idea of “sister ships.” That at each major life decision the life splits and running alongside your life is this phantom “sister life.” The road not taken.Cheryl’s perspective allows for an alluring sense of surrender. While it can be tempting to play the “what if” game and live in the liminal space of fear and unrealized regret, it's easy to get stuck there, frozen with indecision. Instead, her advice urges you to choose and step towards the life that’s in front of you, wholeheartedly, without looking back. We don’t know what we don’t know. (This advice was given in answer to the question of whether or not to have children which I also think is extremely topical).
So what am I doing about this fork? I’m not sure yet. I know that I’m putting too much pressure on myself. I also know that I am privileged to have options. I’m tempted to crowdsource it, to ask my closest friends and family (and the Substack community), what should I do?? But of course that’s not the answer; the answer lies somewhere in my Knowing, and it’s my job to listen and to trust.
Curious to find out what happens? Me too.
Until next time, thank you for being here.
P.S. It’s Sundays in high school’s birthday! On September 27th, 2023 I published my first post in a burst of bravery and vulnerability. I am so grateful to this community and to every single reader who has liked, commented, shared or subscribed in the past year. Your support means the world to me, thank you thank you thank you. Onward!
P.P.S. If you enjoyed this newsletter you might also like:
Happy substack birthday! A beautiful reflection, as always. 🧡🍂
there is no clear right path for any of us humans. choose a college, disappointed. transfer. break up , feels terrible get back together. we learn in these experiences. you do know what's a clear NO for yourself. trust that.
more will be revealed.